Fonsier Pokédex Entry: To fulfill its sacred duty, this Pokémon tore off a piece of its personality and cast it aside. It is responsible for sealing away the Utopian Pokémon with its space-warping power.
Nilacus Pokédex Entry: It can bend space in accordance with the shape of the universe. It primarily uses this power to create containment fields that can keep trespassers in, or out, or both.
2014 retrospective: Dammit I already used Just Live More as the title last time
-What happened with school
This year, I failed out of school. Well, particularly, I did not pass the milestone exam to move on in the graphic design program. I could still continue college... if I take out a loan since American higher education demands exorbitant amounts of money I otherwise just do not have anymore. I decided not to go the loan route since, 1) I dislike being in debt & 2) After what happened I'm just left like “Can I really succeed at college? If it is possible for me to do would I have to sacrifice all my relationships to do it?” and the answer so far is that I don't want to find out. It's not like it's guaranteed schooling would give me the results it has for so many others, and in fact, I feel messed me up a lot in regards to my gauging of my abilities and people's expectations of me. (I was the smart kid who fits the “did well at school but is inept at actual life” up until failing out anyway, though not grade-wise.)
In any case, that has been a major change for me is that this year has been the first one where I spent a semester not attending school of any kind. I did attempt to do a sort of home-school thing early on where I would teach myself Spanish and how to use certain art programs but that did not go so well... going to my next point...
-What happened with me and producing art (and my artistic dreams)
I was supposed to have resumed regular webcomic creation and drawing, but alas, aside from sporadic art (and even then almost exclusively stuff for me x gray using our fursonas) and the 3 commissions I got (2 from the same friend), that has not panned out well at all. There has definitely been physical pain I have not been good at addressing properly, but primarily the mental aspect has been a major block. I think it was not a good idea to take on commissions so soon after failing out of graphic design because the low turnout that resulted left a big “your art is worthless and no one would be affected if you just fucking stopped” spiral that isn't being easy to exorcise.
I haven't stopped so much as been going glacially. The next page of PYC and several drawings are in suspended stages of progress, if I had to choose words to describe their state. The same applies to several YouTube Poop projects as well. (2014 I think has been one of my least active YouTube years in addition to being one of my least active years for art.) I don't even know who is still patient enough to still be waiting for my material other than my partner and maybe some friends (big maybe?). For what it's worth I did manage to at least finish the commissions and output some “big” YTPs like the elaborate remake of my 2008 Digimon Tamers poop.
In conjunction with my path of being a professional graphic designer evaporating, I find a lot of my artistic dreams have been shattered/heavily reworked. For example, my dream of directing and designing an official Pokémon game, is like, both less-realistic but also less desirable since it's like... so what if I ended up making my dream but unofficially? There's a much greater risk of capitalism and company politics corrupting my work than enhancing it, is my currents thoughts on it and similar dreams (videogames/movies/shows I feel I want to someday make). These might end up cruder and less-distributed than if they were not independently done but the creative freedom would be worth it. That is, of course, if I ever even get around to them before dying.
Despite the glacial pace of art output, my creative idea generating continues as it always has. I still think of new YTP ideas, drawing ideas, and character/event development for things ranging from my Pokémon webcomics, shows/videogames I want to make someday, or even like, stuff that might have been in an alternate universe but have no say over (my mental overhaul and rewrite of Power Rangers Megaforce, basically... I am such a nerd holy shit). I feel very backed up and just messed up like.... my factory is still churning material but my delivery fleet is fucked beyond belief and a disaster and a mess and I'm still at odds attempting to fix it. In fact, I feel a lot of the reworking and tweaking of my characters and stuff has to do with realigning tons of them to fit in more with being trans-friendly/not exclusionary/misogynist/racist/etc. which is largely due to...
-A year of being trans, the good and the bad
This year has been my first one being trans. In my 2013 retrospective, I announced within it I wanted to experiment with being a demigirl, which developed into me deciding on being a trans girl after the trail period faded and I was experiencing simple joys like finally being comfortable with my body, appearance, and mannerisms. In addition, internalizing even more the state of mind and how to be more socially responsible, unlearning what mainstream white & cis society has instilled through raising and media.
The thing that has been not as nice about it is that with my personality the way it is, very unconfrontational, quiet, and unassertive, it basically is that a lot of friends just basically kind of forgot about me being trans since I didn't really display much outward difference at all. Of course, me being mostly in the closet IRL and it being pretty much harder to tell in casual context online (basically a ton of people who don't follow my tumblr but are familiar with my other online hangouts.... I am still called he by virtue of people just not noticing that I changed what I set my gender as on sites and the years of identifying as male being a lot of subscribers' and peoples' most recent memory of me. However, with the glaring exception of my mom (my perception of her this year has been a pretty big fall... not the best thing and it makes me very Q_Q but I guess it is for the better/clearer...?), the people who I have told/have taken notice have been cool and respectful of it and I am very glad for them QwQ.
-Visiting gray and up through the moving out
One thing I definitely feel is a big highlight of this year is getting to spend more time with gray and being in a relationship with them. For starters, I feel more comfortable being intimate with them as a girl than I did as a boy (though that might also be general “as a good relationship progresses” thing?) and they have, above and beyond, been incredibly kind and supportive of my being trans even in the face of a very rough year. We went from living at our parents to me visiting their house to them crashing at my family's house for a while to being separated again to now where thanks to some well-timed luck I have a job to pay rent at this apartment where now me and them live. I do wish there was more I could do to help, though... I have still messed up during the year on our relationship but I am committed to improving because they deserve it and having a good relationship with them is worth it.
I feel in my more self-depreciating thoughts that they deserve better, like just hoping desperately I don't waste the energy and help they spend towards me since I know their spoons are finite and few and it would be really bad of me to waste them Q_Q. I hope I have been doing good and want to be the best girlfriend I can be for them throughout 2015.
-Thoughts on what 2015 holds
Personally, right now my thoughts are just to keep the stability, make sure I don't get my butt fired too soon and as for stuff like being supportive towards my partner's well-being, our relationship, my friendships, my family problems, my art problems, and someday my artistic dreams, are all stuff I just don't know about now but hopefully will make progress on during 2015. I know gray offered our apartment's spare room to a trans couple in need so I am hoping they turn out to be very cool friends of ours!
Also, maybe shiny mudkip this year too? (sure hope this doesn't take 7 years like the person SRing for mewtwo O_O; )